


denial

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Depression, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Long-Term Relationship(s), Lots of Crying, M/M, Pining, Self Harm, Self-Denial, So much angst, Unrequited Love, a little bit, floral vans are included, it's super subtle, josh is a cutie, josh works at a museum, lowercase intended, sorry if it's a little confusing, tyler has a desk job
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 11:46:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10513128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: tyler was always so beautiful





	

tyler was always so beautiful.

josh never told him that. not that he didn't want to, because if it was up to him, he would say it all the time. he would smother the taller boy with all of the words that he believed to be true. he would tell everyone on the streets, he would yell it from the rooftops, he would scream until his lungs gave out, until everyone knew exactly how wonderful tyler joseph was.

but, josh never told him that. josh never said it because every time the words would leave his lips, tyler would scoff and roll his eyes and shake his head. he would tense up. he would utter something along the lines of "just stop, josh" in that perfect voice of his, as if it was the most absurd thing he'd ever heard.

so, josh never said it. he thought it, though. every day, all the time.

he thought it as they sat in the small coffee shop across from their shared apartment. it smelled of coffee and freshly baked pastries and of  tyler , because josh was wearing one of tyler's sweaters. it was his favorite scent. he wrapped his hands around his mug, letting the warmth seep into his palms, and he rested his eyes upon the boy in front of him.

he was slouching, but he always was. he was drowning in one of the many sweatshirts he owned, letting it fall gently over his hands. he had one leg crossed over the other, and one of the laces on his floral van was coming untied. josh fought the urge to lean forward and tighten it for him. he wanted to, but tyler was completely and fully encompassed in a large novel in his hand, just as josh was completely and fully encompassed in tyler, and josh would hate to disturb him.

he was always in awe of how smart tyler was. he knew that if he said it, tyler would argue that he isn't, that he doesn't know his multiplication facts and that he doesn't have a college degree and that he could never understand shakespeare. he would shut his book and josh would need to watch his beautiful, relaxed face deepen into a frown.

tyler's eyes left his novel and flicked up to meet josh's. they looked so gorgeous in the sunlight, josh thought. how the red tones were brought out, as well as the golden yellows, and how they mixed together to create a soft brown.

"what?" tyler said softly. josh didn't answer at first. he wanted to freeze this moment in time, maybe replay it over and over and over again until it was all that he could see. "josh?" he prodded.

"oh," josh said, bringing his mug to his lips.

_ you're beautiful _

_ you're intelligent _

_ you're valuable _

_you're amazing_

"nothing, sorry."

josh wanted to scream when tyler folded the corner of his page and firmly shut his book.

"i need to get going pretty soon." tyler said, picking the jacket up from the back of his chair and shrugging it onto his shoulders.

josh had to remind himself that he was only meeting tyler for his lunch break, and that they'd both need to return to work shortly. he had to refrain from getting on his knees and begging tyler. beg him to quit that job he hates so much, beg him to stay here and read forever, beg him to accept himself.

"alright." josh sighed. he wiped his clammy palms on his jeans as they both stood up.

they met in the middle, planting a chaste kiss on each others lips. they parted, and josh slid a hand up to cup tyler's jaw before he could pull away completely.

"i love you." josh said, pressing his lips to tyler's forehead. tyler sighed and nodded his head, bringing is lips back to josh's once more. this time it was define, final.

"i'll see you tonight." tyler said. josh nodded softly, and tyler was gone. josh watched his back as he left until he was consumed in the masses of people in the streets.

josh went back to work as well. he worked in the natural history museum in his city. he was almost always stationed in the space exhibit, and his job was simple. he would stand in his place and wait until someone asked him a question or broke one of the museum's rules. he would then answer said question to the best of his ability, or he would reprimand whoever was running or yelling or touching things.

he always arrived home before the sun set. he walked back to his apartment despite the chill weather and the rain. he took his shoes off at the door and began to boil water for pasta, trying his best to make something that was easy, but not unappetizing.

he knew that tyler wouldn't complain even if it was unappetizing. tyler would nod, tell josh that it was perfect, and eat it even if it was absolutely awful. it'd happened on more than one occasion. josh scrunched his nose and shook his head. he told tyler that didn't want him to eat garbage like that, and against his will josh would order pizza instead. josh smiled at the memories, stirring the water in the pot with a wooden spoon.

tyler always arrived home after the sun set. josh never wanted him to walk home in the dark. he would make tyler call a cab or an uber, anything but walk home alone. although, he was pretty sure tyler did it anyway.

tyler was always so tired when he came home. he looked like the life was just rung out of him whenever he heavily sat down at the dinner table. his hair would be flat, his eyes lazy, his voice bare. he would ask josh monotonous questions, how josh's day was and if anything interesting happened. the answers were always the same, his day was fine. no, nothing interesting happened.

after dinner, josh would take the dishes and wash up. tyler argued against it, but he always gave up and went into their shared bedroom.

josh would join soon after, taking his work clothes off and crawling into bed with tyler. they'd arrange themselves so josh was on his back, and tyler was pressed into his side. josh always rubbed tyler's neck, his shoulders, his back, trying to push all of his partner's stress and pain away.

not always, but usually, tyler would start talking. he would babble about how upset he was. he would talk about how behind he is and about all of the things he still needed to do. he would say that his boss was unfair, a true asshat. if he was really upset, he would touch on how all of his coworkers hated him and how uncomfortable the chairs at his workplace are. josh listened. he let tyler rant until he was done. tyler was sometimes angry when he come home. sometimes at others. always at himself. but most times, he was just upset. he would cry and wring his hands together, maybe clutch josh's shirt.

once tyler was done talking, it would be quiet for a moment. then, josh coaxed tyler to rest his head on josh's chest, to take deep breaths.

josh would start talking then. he never said what was really on his mind, but he said parts of it. he said the parts he knew that tyler wanted to hear. that he needed to hear. he would talk about how tyler should quit his job, how he himself should quit his job. they should sell all of their possessions and buy a car. they would run away together, only josh and tyler, no one else. he would say that they could move to the west coast. they could change their names. heck, they didn't even need names. they had each other, and that was more than enough. they would wake up every day and sit by the beach, find some shells.

"maybe i could finally get a tan." he would joke, feeling his heart rise as tyler chuckled.

"you couldn't get a tan." tyler replied. "you'd just get sunburnt every day. we'd need gallons of aloe all the time." 

tyler would keep his head on josh's chest when he listened to his words. he could feel josh's heartbeat and feel the vibrations through his skin. he would practice his breathing, and josh would talk until tyler was asleep.

but, now, josh was alone in their apartment. the sun had set hours ago. the pasta was cold, but he couldn't bring himself to eat without tyler there. he'd called tyler three times and texted him four, all being unread or going straight to voicemail.

he remembered the day he met tyler. it was embarrassing, actually. four years ago, josh was with his brother one summer day. they were on their way back from dairy queen, walking down the busy streets down town with blizzards in hand. maybe his blizzard was made wrong, too much liquid. maybe it was just so hot outside that his ice cream instantly melted. maybe the people at dairy queen are just liars. whatever the case, when he tried to hold his blizzard upside down, which was promised to work in the tens of dairy queen commercials he'd seen, the contents of his cup fell straight to the floor. well, not really straight to the floor, but straight onto tyler's feet, who was just an innocent passerby. tyler yelped, josh apologized profusely, josh's brother laughed so hard that tears welled in his eyes. josh promised that he would give tyler a new pair of shoes, but somehow at the end of the day he gave tyler his phone number instead.

josh moved to the couch now. he stared out the window. he wondered if tyler ever tied his shoes. he wondered if tyler was upset or angry tonight. he wondered if tyler was safe. his heart rate picked up the more he thought about tyler being in danger. tyler was so, so strong. but josh also knew that he was so fragile. josh knew how vulnerable tyler would be walking home from work alone and in the dark. josh knew how much tyler hated nighttime.

josh remembers the first time tyler talked about how much he hated it. they were on the subway heading back to what was only josh's apartment at the time. tyler was dozing off, his head on josh's shoulder and josh's hand on tyler's knee. they conversed lightly, but josh knew how sleepy tyler was, so he settled for just being in the other boy's presence as he rested. their subway car was near to empty, aside from a young girl in the very front seat. tyler was almost completely asleep when the subway lurched to a stop. its brakes screeched loudly and josh had to move his hand to tyler's chest so he wouldn't slip off of his seat. the lights went out shortly afterward. they sat in silence and in the dark for a moment.

"well," josh had said. "this is an new one." josh remembers feeling tyler laugh and press his head back into josh's neck.

"always the optimist." he mumbled. it was always the case, though. josh was the optimist and tyler was the pessimist.

"hey, if im going to be stuck in a subway car with someone, i am so glad that it's you." tyler didn't reply. "i love you." josh said. he crept his had up to tyler's cheek and grinned to feel that it was unusually warm under his fingertips. "you're blushing." josh sang and tyler pulled josh's hand away from his heated face.

"stop it." tyler said lamely, trying to ignore the fact that josh could feel his smile on his shoulder.

josh adored tyler's smile. with his crooked teeth showing and the apples of his cheeks rising, he loved it.

"you love it." josh teased. tyler still didn't reply, and it was quiet again.

"hey," tyler whispered.

"what?" josh whispered back.

"thanks," he said. "for letting me spend the night at yours all the time, and for not giving me the option to sit at home alone all night. doing that really gets to me, you know? just, thanks for not making me sit alone with myself all the time."

"you're always a pleasure to have around, hun." josh said easily.

"whatever. i just, i know- i don't know. i guess i always feel like i'm kind of insane, like not right in the head, all the time at night and when i'm with you, you make me feel like i'm not crazy."

"you're not crazy." josh confirmed, kissing the top of tyler's head.

fuck it, josh decided. he got up from his place on the couch and pulled his shoes and jacket on. it was now passed 10:00 PM, tyler was roughly two and a half hours late. josh ran into the kitchen to grab his keys.

he froze as the front door opened. he peeked his head out of the kitchen and let out a sigh of relief as he saw tyler. tyler had his back turned to josh as he took off his shoes, letting them lay out on the floor.

"where have you been?" josh asked. tyler spooked a little bit at the sound. he lifted his head up to meet josh's eyes. josh's heart melted.

"tyler." josh sighed, walking forward to wrap his arms around tyler's slim frame. tyler's eyes were brimmed with red. tear tracks marked his face. as josh gets closer, he can smell the alcohol on tyler's breath. "where have you been?" this time he asked softly, because he already knew where tyler had been.

tyler shook his head and pulled his hair with both hands.

"i'm sorry." tyler said, his voice cracking.

"hey, stop that." josh said, taking tyler's hands from his hair. instead he laced their fingers together and held them to his chest. "what do you have to be sorry for?"

"i'm sorry," tyler said again. his chin trembled. "i'm so sorry."

"shh." josh cooed, bringing tyler back into his chest and resting his head on top of tyler's. "it's okay, you're alright." tyler didn't listen, and instead he crumbled into josh's embrace. josh caught him as his knees gave out.

"love, hey, it's fine." tyler let out a broken sob. josh slowly brought both the them to the floor and pulled tyler into his lap.

tyler's sobs were horrible, painful. he was so weak in josh's arms, his body folded over and heaved with each breath he tried to take, only for his lungs to push the air back out in high pitched gusts. tyler fruitlessly to pull his hands out of josh's and tug at his own hair again.

"i'm sorry." he rasped out again, finally ripping his hands from josh and pushing himself out of josh's lap.

"tyler-"

"no, don't touch me." tyler snapped. then his eyes softened again, more tears dripping out of his eyes. "oh my god, josh."

josh sat on the wooden floor, helpless and confused as to why he couldn't reach forward and hold the love of his life.

tyler started hyperventilating, harsh and loud breaths in and out and in and out.

"ty, slow down." josh coaxed.

"no," tyler rasped, his hands in his hair and his cheeks flushed an angry red. "i can't, i can't."

"you can." josh confirmed. "i'm right here, everything will be alright."

"josh, i, i-" tyler stopped again, more sobs forcing their way through his body.

"what it is, baby?" josh sat up on his knees, wanting so desperately to craw forward and comfort tyler. tyler drew in a deep, shaky breath. with his eyes on his feet, he finally said the words he was looking for.

"josh, i don't love you."

the moment was surreal. josh sat on his knees, letting the words tumble around in his brain, but nothing made much sense to him. he sat back, falling lightly down and pressing his back into the wall.

"you.." josh said quietly. "you don't love me?" tyler squeezed his eyes together tightly, pained.

"we need to break up."

then, the scene set in josh's mind. dread welled up in his chest. dread bigger than anything he'd ever felt before. dread mixed with fear and sorrow and  _pain_.

"no," josh said. "no, tyler we- we can't."

"we need to."

"we can't!"

"we need to!"

"god damn it tyler, i can't lose you!" josh was on his feet now, pacing. josh yelled, and josh never yelled. he'd never even raised his voice at tyler before.

"i don't love you, josh." tyler whispered. "i'm sorry, god, i am so sorry. i just, i just  _ used _ you for all of this time and i didn't even know it and," he dragged another breath into his chest. "i'm so awful."

josh was angry. not at others, he was angry at himself. he was angry at himself because it had been four years and tyler still believed that he was awful. he's angry at himself because it's been four years of being used by tyler, and all he can think as he sees the boy on the floor is that  _ he's so beautiful _ . he's so beautiful with his eyes red and snot running down his nose and tears running down his cheeks. josh never said it. but now, he said it.

"tyler, you're so amazing. you're so smart and clever and charming-"

"just  _stop_ ,  josh." tyler cried. josh ignored him, letting all of the words he's been holding back for all of these years break out of their dam.

"your eyes are so stunning, and your voice, god your voice is so flawless. i could listen to you talk to me all day. i love your smile and i love your teeth. you're-"

"don't-"

"you're so charming and you're so perfect."

"i'm not,"

"you're so perfect." josh continued "you're so valuable and god, you're so beautiful, tyler. you're so beautiful." josh looked down to tyler. he was still on the floor, his knees to his chest and his head in his hands.

"no," he said. "no, no."

"i'm sorry," josh said, his voice giving out. he cleared his throat. he was getting choked up. "i'm sorry that i wasn't enough to help you see that."

"no, josh, you're," tyler dug the heel of his palm into his eye. "you're so much, josh. you have so much love. you're so forgiving. i just don't deserve you, i can't love you."

pause.

"did you ever?" josh doesn't want to know.

"what?"

"did you ever love me?" josh clarified. tyler swallowed thickly.

"i thought i did. i want to, i want to so much it hurts. it hurts so much, i'm so sorry." josh didn't answer.

"i need a minute." josh said. moving out of the room. "you'll stay here?" tyler nodded weakly.

josh walked away from the door, away from the apartment, and out into the balcony.

it was cold. it was wet. it was dark. josh sat on the cold, wet concrete floor and stared into the cold, wet darkness in front of him.

he thought about the first time he and tyler held hands, the first time they kissed, the first time they made love. he always wondered if it felt the same for tyler as it did for himself. now he knew the answer.

he wondered if all of the butterflies he felt, all of the fireworks, all of the love he felt was ever mutual.

he thought about how terrified he is going to be every night. he thought about how all he'll think about for the rest of his life is that tyler will always be walking home alone in the dark. he thought about how tyler will be alone every night with only himself as company. he thought about tyler believing himself to be insane and no one being there for him to convince him that he's not.

the agony in his chest was too much. it was so strong, so scorching and flowing though each and every inch of his body. it burned though his head, his arms, his chest, his toes, and his teeth.

soft, silent tears fell from his eyes. he took a deep breath to try and compose himself, but on the inside, he was on fire. white hot flames licked at his heart and he was powerless to move out of its way.

when josh finally made himself get up off of the floor, it had been well passed an hour. his skin was cold to the touch. he quietly opened the door to tyler's apartment, padding through the kitchen and checking by the front door. tyler wasn't there anymore, but josh knew he just went to his room. tyler wouldn't break his word.

josh picked a pad of paper and a pen up, scribbling on the edge of the paper to make sure the ink was still working.

_ tyler, _

_ i forgive you. _

_ stop being so sorry. _

_ quit your job, please. _

_ i love you. _

_ josh _

the handwriting was so messy because his hand was shaking so badly. he knew he'd regret it. he knew that he has so much to say, so much to scream, so much to cry to tyler, but the words he wanted were jammed and boiling inside of him.

he folded the note in half unevenly and left it on the counter. he grabbed his jacket on the way out. he didn't let himself look back. he could never leave if he did. he shut the door behind him.

definite,

final.

**Author's Note:**

> hey friends. thanks if you actually read all of this. i hope you enjoyed. this is the first thing i've ever written and posted on here, so i'd love to hear some feedback, maybe? anyway, i wrote this on the notes section of my phone while in a car for nearly eight hours. i proof read to the best of my ability, but i always miss typos somehow. i'm sure they're in there somewhere, so sorry about that. hopefully there will be more to come in the future.


End file.
